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"I carry your heart with me… always."


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Things You Can Do to Make Your In-laws Happy on Parents’ Day

Tomorrow is a special day for moms and dads in Korea, because May 8 is Parents’ Day (어버이날). It has been part of Korean tradition to give parents carnation on this occasion as symbol of respect and gratitude. For five years, my husband and I have been doing the same thing: we wake up early in the morning to pin carnation boutonnieres on his parents’ shirts, which they wear with pride the whole day. In the evening, we have dinner with the family. Perhaps, as a myonuri  (며느리: daughter-in-law), you do the same thing for your Korean parents-in-law every year, but if you’d like to do something different for them this time, here are some of the other things you can do to make your parents-in-law truly happy.

1.) Prepare a special breakfast for them.

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They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, this is also true with the in-laws. After all, there is nothing like the smell of a sumptuous meal in the morning. Try cooking your sibumonim‘s (시부모님: parents-in-law) favorite soup or stew, and prepare your best banchan (반찬: side dishes). Most Koreans eat rice for breakfast, complete with soup and some side dishes, so you can make a feast that will surely wow them when they wake up in the morning.

2.) Make them a card or write them a letter… in Korean.

The heart is missing one eye and the shimmer has faded... but the message of love remains. ^^

The heart is missing one eye and the shimmer has faded… but the message of love remains. ^^

I have never done this on Parents’ Day, but when I had my first Christmas with the in-laws, I made them a simple card, and posted it on their bedroom door, so it’s the first thing they would notice when they wake up in the morning. My father-in-law doesn’t like posters, calendars or anything plastered on walls and doors. He would remove them. That card, however, stays on their door. ^^

On Youtube, there are tons of how-to videos on making pop-up flower cards. This one is my favorite. It looks elegant and is easier to do.

This Mother’s Day card will make a great Parents’ Day card, too.

3.) Take them to a posh restaurant.

Most older Koreans prefer dining in Korean restaurants and in places that are familiar to them, but it won’t hurt to have them try other restaurants and different cuisines, so if you have budget for a real treat, why not surprise them with the best fine dining experience?

Try Lotte Hotel World’s La Seine Buffet. The food is fantastic!

4.) Go hiking with them.

Spring is the best time of the year to go hiking. A lot of older Koreans go to the mountain in spring to gather herbs and vegetables that are quite pricey in the market. Go ginseng-searching with your sibumonim on Parents’ Day. Who knows, you might actually enjoy the activity, and start doing it regularly? Hiking can be exciting… and it can also help shed off those extra pounds.

5.) Be “Cinderella” for a day.

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My husband volunteered to help out with his parents’ business for the entire week. His parents are pleased, because this is a busy season. If your in-laws have a business you can help them with, and you have all the time in the world to spare, a day of doing extra work for them will mean a lot.

The extra work can also be a housechore that you haven’t done in a while, like cleaning your in-laws’ bedroom (or the entire house), helping your si omonim (시어머님: mother-in-law) with the laundry, ironing si abonim‘s (시아버님: father-in-law) favorite shirts, etc. Before you say, “I’m not a slave!”, remember that this suggestion is meant only for a day, Parents’ Day. That is, if you don’t live with the in-laws. Think about the myonuris who have to do these chores regularly, because they live with their sibumonim.

6.) Hold a noraebang (노래방: karaoke) concert with them.

And the battle begins... ^^

And the battle begins… ^^

If your in-laws are not the killjoy type, invite them to the noraebang for a night of party. Team up with your husband. Your in-laws and other family members who are present will pair up, too. Each pair will select a song and sing duet. Karaokes usually score singers. You can use those scores to choose the best team. Our family did this once, and everyone had a terrific time. In fact, my father-in-law didn’t want to go home. ^^

I am sure that there are a number of ways we can make Parents’ Day memorable for our in-laws, but at the end of the day, the most important thing is not what gifts we give them or how we have impressed them with our efforts. What makes Parents’ Day meaningful for parents-in-law is how we treat them even when it’s not their special day. Some in-laws can be pain in the neck sometimes, but here in Korea, they are our second parents. No matter how tough parents can be, they deserve love, respect and understanding.

어버이날 축하합니다, 아버님… 어머님!

Source: hangukgongbu.wordpress.com

Photo taken from: hangukgongbu.wordpress.com


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Chuseok Blues

Last night, I was reading an article about fake casts for daughters-in-law in Korea who want to avoid Chuseok chores. According to the article,  the fake casts sold like hotcakes. Women wear them on Chuseok and pretend that they are injured, so they won’t have to help around the kitchen. One may ask, “Why do these women resort to deception just to shun house work?’ I may not have the gall to wear a fake cast and lie to my parents-in-law like these women, but I am one of the many myeonuris who dread having to do chores on Chuseok.

SOURCE: Naver

SOURCE: Naver

Chuseok (추석: Thanksgiving Day) is one of the biggest and most important holidays in Korea when families visit their ancestral homes and gather to share ceremonial feasts, but for a myeonuri (며느리: daughter-in-law) like me, Chuseok is more of donkey work than a celebration of gratitude for a bountiful harvest. I don’t mean to sound so negative about Chuseok, but when this holiday comes, it’s impossible to enjoy my days off because of all the chores that I have to do.

Chuseok holiday period lasts for three days, but this year, it is from September 6 to 10. Imagine five days of agony! It’s not that myeonuris work continuously all those days, but we just can’t get over the so-called “daughter-in-law holiday syndrome” until Chuseok is officially over.

Lucky for me, I am NOT in Korea, so this year, I was able to evade all the chores and the stress that come with Chuseok. All I had to do was to call my parents-in-law in Korea and greet them.

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Because Chuseok is a big celebration, there is a lot of food that needs to be prepared. My husband comes from a traditional clan, so the women in the family are the ones obliged to do all the work in the kitchen, while the men play Go-stop, watch TV or enjoy their chitchat. As much as I loathe the chores, I hate the fact that women do all the tedious work while men have all the fun.

Photo taken from The Korea Blog

The unfairness of Chuseok preparation as illustrated here (SOURCE: The Korea Blog)

Our Chuseok chores begin the day before the actual celebration. We wake up early and go to the eldest uncle’s house to prepare the food for the next day. Most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law work together, but my Omonim (mother-in-law) is always busy with her business, so she never comes to help. My husband has many uncles, so their wives, the older myeonuris, do most of the cooking, while my sisters-in-law and I, the younger myeonuris, help with the preparation and do most of the cleaning. I always volunteer to cook jeon, because it seems to be the easiest thing to do… and I like arranging them nicely on a tray once they are cooked. Mind you, I’m not talking about frying four or five kinds of jeon for a small family. It’s for the whole clan! It takes me the entire morning to finish the task. After tidying up the kitchen or washing the dishes, I’m free to go… but NOT really free, because there’s work that needs to be done in the house, too.

Jeon, also known as Korean pancake, is served as an important food for jesasang (제사상) ceremonial table setting for ancestral rites.

Jeon, also known as Korean pancake, is served as an important food for jesasang (제사상) or ceremonial table setting for ancestral rites.

 

As Christians, we don’t perform ancestral rites on Chuseok called charye (차례), so we don’t have to prepare an elaborate ceremonial feast. In the morning, one of my husband’s uncles, who is a pastor, leads worship. After that, the women will be busy in the kitchen. The men are served breakfast. Abonim (father-in-law) and the uncles get to eat first, and they always have the best seats in the house. Omonim and the aunties rarely eat together with their husbands. I’ve noticed that the older women are more concerned with refilling their husbands’ bowls than minding their own food. This isn’t the case with me and my sisters-in-law. We eat at the same table with our husbands. (Sometimes it’s our husbands who serve us. ^^)

Maybe because we are much younger, we have learned to do things differently. We cater to our husbands, but at the same time, we take care of our needs. Serving

the elders, however, is A MUST.

Myeonuris are expected to stay in the eldest uncle’s house for the whole day. We take our lunch and dinner there, but most of the time, we cook, serve and clean. In the afternoon, the men go to their ancestors’ graves to pay respects, while the women chat a little or take a rest.

 

An elaborate ceremonial table called Jessasang (Photo taken from ChosunIlbo)

Ceremonial table setting for charye with various kinds of traditional dishes (SOURCE: The Chosun Ilbo)

 

My first Chuseok wasn’t so bad. I was interested in learning how to cook traditional Korean food, so I didn’t mind working in the kitchen… but when I was left to wash tons of dishes by myself, I felt like crying. My husband must have known how upset I was, so he came to help me. The aunties teased him, because he was the only man in the kitchen. That is probably why he stayed away from the kitchen from then on.

'What's your washing dishes got to do with human rights?'

Last year, my in-laws decided to have our own Chuseok gathering in the house besides the one annually hosted by the eldest uncle’s family. I didn’t fancy the idea, because it meant more house work having two gatherings in one day, but what can a myeonuri do? I have two sisters-in-law who also help with the chores, but their responsibilities begin with setting the table and end with putting away the dishes. They never stay too long in the house, I guess because they know what awaits them when the party’s over. It’s usually the eldest son’s wife, the older myeonuri, who has to do most of the work, but in my husband’s family, it’s the other way around. My husband is the youngest son, which makes me the youngest myeonuri, but we live with the in-laws, so most of the older myeonuri duties are given to me.

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The truth is, my Chuseok chores are nothing compared to those of other myeonuries. Some myeonuris I know spend days making Chuseok preparations, while mean mothers-in-law constantly hound them. I am grateful for my Omonim, because she doesn’t pressure me. My husband’s relatives are kind, too… at least this is a consolation.

Some myeonuris have to endure hours of travel time to get to their in-laws’ home provinces only to work like slaves in the kitchen. My husband’s paternal relatives live nearby, so we don’t have to travel far. What irks me are the work load and not being able to spend the holiday as I please.

Before marriage, I was told that foreign wives are usually given less work, since Chuseok is something new to them, but I never believed that. I have always known that being a foreigner does not give any daughter-in-law in Korea an excuse for failing to fulfill her duties as a myeonuri, especially on important family gatherings when all eyes are on us. Foreigner or not, married women in Korea are bound by the traditional role of an obedient and diligent daughter-in-law.

 

Now that Chuseok is finally over, let me congratulate my fellow myeonuris for making it through another year of “forced labor”. I know that most of us rarely get thanks or thumbs up, but everyone knows that Chuseok won’t be possible without our hard work.

ClappingOscar